Today was a turbulent day. I awoke distraught- low energy- off balance. I felt detached from this body that is holding my soul. I didn't like the way I was feeling and just wanted it to stop. It's as if there was another level- one of fear- that was consuming my body. Fear had taken over and turned my stomach and mind into tiny knots. I continued to ask for its release and tried to surrender it to God. The curious thought that seemed to creep into consciousness was that of 'it feels good to be here." How does being unhappy, depressed, worn down and lethargic make you feel good? It doesn't. It's just the Ego's way of trying to lour you in to agree with your fearful thoughts. Once you give way to them, it becomes harder and harder to pull away from these lower vibrating energies.
I even said to myself in the bits of anger and pain, 'How do people live like this??' In knowing that it is a choice whether or not to feel that way, I would never choose to live in such despair. This negative feeling that was once so normal to me is completely foreign to me now.
I was reminded when I was picking Chelsie up at my Dad's when Hilda (dad's girlfriend) showed me the book 'Busting Loose of the Money Game' after I told her what kind of day I was having. I was recommended this book by my boss from Positive Changes Hypnosis a while ago and it has been #1 on my must buy list ever since. She read to me the important part about feeeliing the lower energy by allowing it to be fully present in the moment and to dive as deep into it as you can. In that moment you can recognize it as energy or an emotion that you don't want to feel and you release it. You surrender it to God. This afternoon I seemed to have jumped directly into the surrender to God part. I didn't want to feel this energy at all, I wanted it gone immediately.
I found myself scrolling through my mind and weekly activities to see what it could have been that was dragging me down. The client's energy, people I have come in contact with, events that took place around me. I also reflected on the hard work I have been putting into my business over the last week. I feel right now I have so many unfinished portions in my life in regards to business, that I feel pressure to complete them all. I want to put the right amount of time into each project but don't know one to start with. I have the new website completion I'm working on, my presentation to prepare, workshops and meditations to put together, actually selling the tickets to the show, answering phone messages from potential clients, seeing friends, family etc and living a quiet peaceful existence. That's a lot of things going on right now and all of the events are new to me. Every single one of them feels incredible though. I have manifested all of them. I am getting continual confirmation from my angels, students in my courses, all the cleansing/work/care I put into my body that I am doing exactly what I should be doing; I am on the right path!
I really know what I am talking about when it comes to spirituality, ascension, healing in general. I am a healer and I have great powers. I will inform so many people in this world to know all the ways to heal themselves. I use a little bit of each healing modality to help the client depending on what he or she needs. I will specialize in many areas because every person is different and could benefit from a different treatment. Not only do I allow the healing energy to flow through me, but I use the energies of the divine beings around us to assist with the healing and cleansing process. I am an energy cleanser. I cleanse the body energy and release all blockages so that one can be the perfect vessel to assist their own positive thinking. From there it spirals outwards and connects with the law of attraction to draw to them everything in life that they could ever want.
I have to continually let go. The only way I will remain a clear vessel is to constantly cleanse and clear. I am paving the path way for future growth and enlightenment. Today's lower vibrating energy day was a lesson for me to experience those energies and realize I live most my life above the negative emotions and feelings, and truly live in happiness, peace and love all the time. I will from now on stop stressing on the events I cannot change, and only do what it is that I want to do it the moment. If I want to do something I know I will be connected with spirit and can therefore allow the divine universal love to shine through me and use my body as a vessel for creative expression. Every single thing that is in my life is because I asked it to be. I didn't think everything would happen at the same time, but I guess I am ready for it. My thoughts manifest almost instantaneously. As soon as I decide that I want something to happen, it happens. The perfect someone or something shows up to assist in the process. Everything I have been manifesting for the last few months is actually coming true… all at the same time. I am excited, thrilled and scared to death. I know I will be fine. I know I will smash everything out of the ball park, but I surely am nervous. I am afraid that I haven't done any of these before and really have no idea what I am doing. I have complete faith in myself, god and the universe to help assist me through this process but I feel as if I am walking through life blind folded and only following what feeels right. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what will go right. I don't know what will go wrong. That though of uncertainty causes a blockage to appear in my throat chakra, possibly afraid to speak my mind and talk fluidly about my beliefs and who I am. Yes, I feel almost a sadness, an 'am I worthy enough of this success?' sadness. Even before I finish writing the sentence I know that YES I am worth of this success! But why is it that that thought is even coming forward? Where does it come from? My past? My Ego? My fear?
When I close my eyes I see middle school, grade 5 and me sitting at the right side of the class room second from the front. I was in French class and we were all playing a game where you ask a question to your classmates in French and we all must answer back in French. I was repeatedly asked "Are you fatigue?" Stressing on the 'Fat' and stressing on the 'Gay'. It went on with at least 5 guys and each time I had to send an answer back in French and become consumed with sadness, insignificance, embarrassment. It was a horrible feeling for an 11 year old to feel. I was bigger than all the other kids. I already had my monthly friend begin and I had the same size boobs as I do now. I already felt left out from all the other kids by arriving half way through the school year, and didn't know how to react with kids who thought they were better than me. I sucked it up for the rest of the year, still crushing on all the boys who were calling me names only because they were cute and popular and the other girls liked them. All I wanted was to be wanted. I couldn't ever get what I wanted when it came to men. In grade 7 I decided to leave those so called 'popular' kids and joined the vocal class which was a 7/8 split. I was now in a brand new classroom the majority of them older and male. Throughout the course of the year the only boy in the grade 7 class had a huge crush on me, and the whole school knew it. It turned out that by the next year, he had turned gay and professed to me that I was the last girl that he ever loved. We became great friends after that until he backstabbed me when we were working at Mcdonalds at age 15.
So back to the classroom, when I was in grade 7 the majority of the class was grade 8's, and most of them were boys. Every single boy in that grade 8 class had a crush on me. I dated at least 4 of the guys from the class of maybe 7. The one guy that I liked of course didn't like me back. He was the only one that I truly wanted to 'date.' Grade 7 and 8 for me became my highlights as I was adjusting to this quickly maturing body.
Come grade 9 I was plunked into a new school again. Completely void of friends. The only one I knew, and therefore hung around with was Lisa from my soccer team. I met many men who wanted to take advantage of me, through her. I was exposed to the rough parts of town and jumped in with both feet. I wanted to belong, I wanted to be cool. So I did what everyone else wanted me to do. I don't know if it was as much peer pressure, but rather the fact that I wanted them to like me so badly. I wanted to be loved by all of them like I was in grade 7. I didn't know what love was yet though. Since I had such low self esteem, and having gained at least 20 pounds over the year, I was definitely overweight and unhealthy highschooler. As I got fatter, my self esteem got lower and then it was degrading repetitive cycle from then on out.
I think what is happening here is that I am recalling all the times in my past where I thought I was less than 'perfect'. Or that I wasn't good enough, or when I wanted to 'fit in.' All these times I acted in the way I did because I didn't know any better. This is not who I am anymore. This is not how I think. I can release this now. Breathe in peace, breathe out release. I need to feeel these emotions in my body when they rise. Be with them fully and then dive into the emotion like I did right now. I can now do it in the moment. Reflect on the pain, find its source and release it immediately.
In reflecting on this previous writing it is the next day- June 8th 2010. I woke up at 5am this morning chipper and ready to embrace the day. I dove into a morning of intense cross fitting and exhausted myself on 400m sprints. I feel full of love, connected and at peace. My mind is elevated, my heart is expanding and I feel incredible with every inhale. I know that yesterday was a test to see how I can handle stress and the lower vibrations. I also know that these days of sadness and disconnect will continue to erupt. Furthermore I also know that I know exactly how to handle them so that they don't consume me. I am free. Free to be me and I love who I am. I am so thankful for every new event that has come into my life and I will embrace all of them with ease and confidence! I will succeed!
